74 Funny Bar Jokes for a Round of Laughter on Us

Funniest bar jokes

• A werewolf walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “What’s it like being a werewolf?”
  The werewolf says, “I haven’t been one for very long, but I’m lycan it so far.”

• A man with a beard made of grass walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “Why the lawn face?”

• A mailman walks into a bar.
  He says, “I feel terrible. I’m hungover, and I need a drink.”
  The bartender says, “Hair of the dog that bit you?”

• A philosophy student walks into a bar.
  She asks for something deep.
  The bartender says, “Start with a well drink.”

• A cowboy walks into a saloon and orders a beer and a shot.
  The bartender serves him a beer and fires his gun in the air.

• A conspiracy theorist walks into a bar.
  Or did he? That’s just what they want you to think.

• Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
  There’s no way that’s just a coincidence.

• A houseplant walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “What’ll it be?”
  The plant says, “I’m just looking for some light conversation.”

• A perfectionist walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “What’ll it be?”
  The perfectionist says, “Actually, let me start over. A perfectionist walks into a bar …”

• A thesaurus walks into a bar …
  … a pub, a tavern, an alehouse and a saloon.

• A sock walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “Where’s your other half?”

• A typo walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “What’ll it be?”
  The typo replies, “A bear, please.”

• A password walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “Sorry, you need to be at least 8 characters with a special symbol.”
  The password leaves and comes back as “P@ssw0rd123!”

• A Swiss Army knife walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “What’ll it be?”
  The knife says, “I’m versatile—surprise me.”

• A spreadsheet walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “Don’t start moving my tables around.”
  The spreadsheet says, “Too late. You’re in Column A now.”

• A ball of yarn walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “You better not start anything.”
  The yarn says, “I’m just here to unwind.”

• A fan walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “What’ll it be?”
  The fan says, “I just need to vent.”

• A belt walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “I didn’t think you were coming in tonight.”
  The belt says, “I just need to loosen up.”

• A baker walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “What’ll it be?”
  The baker says, “I’m just here to loaf around.”

• Michael Stipe walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “Wow, I love R.E.M.! I can’t believe you’re in my bar!”
  Michael Stipe says, “I used to come here all the time.” He points to an old photo on the wall and says, “That’s me in the corner.”

Clever bar jokes

• Shakespeare walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “You better not make a scene.”

• A ruler walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “What’ll it be?”
  The ruler says, “Whisky. Straight.”

• Oscar the Grouch walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “What’ll it be?”
  Oscar the Grouch says, “A martini—the dirtier, the better.”

• Dwayne Johnson walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “What’ll it be?”
  Dwayne Johnson says, “I’ll have a whisky on the Rock.”

• A jumper cable walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “You better not start anything.”

• A panda, a cowboy, a priest and a time traveler walk into a bar.
  The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

• A ghost walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here.”

• Two $5 bills walk into a bar.
  The bartender says, “This is a singles bar.”

• A pizza walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

• A tennis ball walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “Have you been served?”

Corny bar jokes

• A train track and a highway walk into a bar.
  The train track says, “One for me, and one for the road.”

• An optimist and a pessimist walk into a bar.
  The bartender serves them a single glass of beer.

• Bigfoot walks into a bar, but the bartender refuses to serve him.
  The bartender points to a sign and says, “No shirt, no shoes, no service.”

• Bigfoot walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “Are you ready to order?”
  Bigfoot says, “Not yeti.”

• Five witches walk into a bar.
  The bartender says, “Are you ladies a coven?”
  One of the witches says, “No, we’re just broom mates.”

• A computer walks into a bar and orders a drink.
  The bartender serves him and says, “That’ll be $10.”
  The computer says, “Sorry, my cache is empty.”

• A scarecrow walks into a bar and orders a cocktail.
  The bartender makes it and serves it with a straw.
  The scarecrow says, “Thanks, but I brought my own.”

• Santa’s reindeer walk into a bar and order a round of martinis.
  The bartender serves them all, but Rudolph notices his martini has no garnish. He says, “Excuse me—can I have what olive the other reindeer got?”

• A man walks into a bar and says, “I was in here last night, and someone stole my glasses.”
  The bartender says, “What did they look like?”
  The man says, “I don’t know—the whole night was a blur.”

• A man walks into a bar carrying a goldfish in a bowl.
  The bartender asks, “What’s with the fish?”
  The man says, “My wife says I drink like a fish, so I brought him to compare notes.”

• A train engine walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “What’ll it be?”
  The train says, “I’m just here to blow off steam.”

• A lime walks into a bar and sees another lime across the room.
  The bartender notices him staring and says, “Go talk to her!”
  The lime says, “No, I can’t. I’m terrible at pickup limes.”

• Dr. Frankenstein and Frankenstein’s monster walk into a bar together.
  The bartender says, “I didn’t know you two were friends.”
  The monster says, “He’s all right. He always has me in stitches.”

• A clown walks into a bar looking tired.
  The bartender says, “Is it hard work being a clown?”
  The clown says, “It’s no small feet.”

• A jalapeño walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “You look like you could use a hot drink.”
  The jalapeño says, “How did you know?”
  The bartender says, “I can tell you’re a little chili.”

• A man walks into a bar and sees his usual bar stool is taken.
  He says, “I’m not going to take this sitting down.”

Bar jokes about animals

• A sloth walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “What’ll it be?”
  Three hours later, the sloth says, “Beeeeeeeeer.”

• A bat walks into a bar and hangs upside down from the ceiling.
  The bartender says, “What’ll it be?”
  The bat says, “I’m just here to hang out.”

• An ox walks into a bar.
  He tells the bartender, “I may as well have a drink. I’m off the wagon again.”

• Two cheetahs walk into a bar.
  They hang out for a while, and then the first cheetah says, “This place is pretty cool.”
  The second cheetah says, “I told you—I know where all the good spots are.”

• A tiger walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “What’ll it be?”
  The tiger says, “Do a lot of tigers come in here?”
  The bartender says, “We get customers of all stripes.”

• A zookeeper walks into a bar with a monkey, a parrot and an elephant.
  The bartender says, “Hey, you can’t bring all those animals in here.”
  The zookeeper says, “Why not?”
  The bartender says, “Well, first we need to discuss the elephant in the room.”

• A man walks into a bar and orders an elaborate cocktail.
  While the bartender’s making it, the man looks around and notices there’s an elephant at the other end of the bar.
  The bartender serves the man his drink, and the man says, “Thanks, but why is there an elephant in the room?”
  The bartender says, “Don’t mention it.”

• A tiger walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “What’ll it be?”
  The tiger says, ‘I’ll have one whisky neat, provided that said whisky is aged no less than 12 years in oak barrels sourced from Kentucky, distilled according to traditional methods as defined by federal regulations, served at precisely 65 degrees Fahrenheit in a glass that has been cleaned with approved sanitizing solutions, and furthermore I reserve the right to refuse said beverage if it fails to meet these specifications as outlined in subsection A of my personal beverage consumption standards …”
  The bartender says, “Whoa, whoa—why the long clause?”
  The tiger looks at his paws and says, “I guess I’ve always had them.”

• A frog walks into a bar and orders a beer.
  The bartender says, “IPA, right?”
  The frog says, “As long as it’s hoppy.”

• A giraffe walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “What’ll it be?”
  The giraffe says, “Whatever your best whisky is. Top shelf.”

• A man walks into a bar and sees a dog sitting at the other end of the bar drinking a glass of red wine.
  The man asks the bartender about the dog.
  The bartender says, “Yeah, he’s a Bordeaux collie.”

• A parrot walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “What’ll it be?”
  The parrot says, “What’ll it be? What’ll it be?”

• A duck walks into a bar and orders a drink.
  The bartender says, “Should I put it on your bill?”
  The duck says, “That’s never been funny.”

• A penguin walks into a bar wearing a tuxedo.
  The bartender says, “Fancy dress code tonight?”
  The penguin says, “Actually, this is my casual wear.”

• An owl walks into a bar.
  The bartender puts a Scotch in front of him and says, “Someone told me owls only drink Scotch.”
  The owl says, “Who?”

• A flamingo walks into a bar and stands by the bar on one leg.
  The bartender says, “Why are you standing with one leg up like that?”
  The flamingo says, “Because if I stood with both up, I’d fall over.”

Bar jokes about science

• Entropy walks into a bar.
  Everything goes downhill from there.

• Gravity walks into a bar.
  Everyone falls for it.

• A black hole walks into a bar.
  It really sucked.

• A group of elements walks into a bar.
  Someone asks them, “Come here often?”
  One of them says, “Periodically.”

• Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “What’ll it be?”
  The cat says, “I’ll have a drink, and I won’t.”

• A particle walks into a bar through two doors at the same time.
  The bartender says, “That’s impossible!”
  The particle says, “Not if nobody’s watching.”

• Heisenberg walks into a bar.
  The bartender says, “What’ll it be?”
  Heisenberg says, “I’m not sure. If I’m here, I don’t know what I want. If I know what I want, I’m probably not here.”

• A neutrino walks into a bar.
  Just kidding—it went right through.

• A superconductor walks into a bar.
  There was no resistance.

• Dark matter walks into a bar.
  Nobody notices.

• A photon walks into a bar and orders a drink.
  The bartender serves him and asks him to pay.
  He says, “Uh, I’m a little light.”

• A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink.
  He asks, “How much do I owe you?”
  The bartender says, “No charge.”

Why trust us

Reader’s Digest has been telling jokes for more than 100 years, curated and reviewed over the last 20 years by Senior Features Editor Andy Simmons, a humor editor formerly of National Lampoon and the author of Now That’s Funny. We’ve earned prestigious ASME awards for our humor—including comical quips, pranks, puns, cartoons, one-liners, knock-knock jokes, riddles, memes, tweets and stories in laugh-out-loud magazine columns such as “Life in These United States,” “All in a Day’s Work,” “Laughter, the Best Medicine” and “Humor in Uniform,” as well as online collections such as short jokes, dad jokes and bad jokes so bad, they’re great. You can find a century of humor in our 2022 compendium, Reader’s Digest: Laughter, the Best Medicine. For this story on bar jokes, Laura Beck tapped her 15-plus years of experience as a professional humor writer for TV shows and magazines. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.